Terrible Twos or Terrorizing Threes
My parents have always said that my brother and I were a breeze at two, but turning three was a whole other monster, and I cannot help but laugh and shutter as I endure my second journey through the "terrorizing threes."
If you know my kids, then you know that my first born, Finley, has always been easy. He is, was, and always will be, a cool, calm, and collected kiddo. Finn has always done well playing by himself, whether it was a random potato from the pantry or a $50 kids ATV, my first born made parenting a breeze. Even at age two, my blonde hair bestie was easy peasy, lemon squeezy, but man when my little angel turned three, I thought I had somehow ended up with his naughty doppelganger. I mean the tantrums and the crankiness, the inability to control his emotions (I mean, obviously he’s still a toddler, but there was a drastic change between age two and age three), and this newfound independence really sent me for a loop.
The “terrible threes” or “terrorizing threes” or any of the terms coined to best describe the sometimes challenging and trying phases in our children’s development, that as namely, occurs before/during/after/around the age, of three-years-old. In part, this continuation of the “terrible twos” is a developmental phase known for frequent temper tantrums, defiance, and other challenging behaviors that may not have been prevalent in your day-to-day life.
Oh boy, the "terrible twos". A term you hear and are warned about often in your motherhood journey, the description of the negative behaviors our children display at or around 2 years of age. I remember when Finley was nearing two and I was anxiously awaiting this “terrible” phase. And with my youngest, I knew better. I was more prepared, or so I thought. Between my two, my precious boys, the age of two was nothing compared to the torturous phase of age three.
Similarly to the developmental challenges we are warned about when our babes turn two, when our babes turn three, the behaviors our children exhibit, are more intense with the newfound abilities in language and motor skills. Between the "terrible twos" and the "terrorizing threes", the toddler years are filled with so many big emotions, for both toddler and mommy! But the truth of the matter is, it’s like a rite of passage. You make it through the trenches to four, and five, six and seven, and the challenges we faced with our toddlers are quickly displaced with the challenges associated with kiddos in school, extra-curricular activities, and more.
Between the assertion of independence, defiance, the emotional rollercoasters, and sometimes picky eating, every day is a trip!
While we feel like we are being very tried when our three-year-old is asserting their independents, it is important that in those moments of frustration that we take a step back and look at what our children are doing. At this age, our kids are exploring their independence and asserting their preferences and opinions, oftentimes more strongly than they previously have. The power struggles are a part of life, and it can become very overwhelming when they are always into everything, but the fact of the matter, is that they are exploring their newfound independence, they want to see what more of this independence they can use and whether they are developmentally capable of completing said task or not, it is normal and actually exciting to see our children become curious!
The testing of boundaries and defiant behavior that my little monster displays can easily put me over the edge, but when I take a second to breath the anger away and really dig deep, I remember that he is merely seeking to understand his place in this big, big, world.
While we navigate the defiant behavior, we are oftentimes faced with the improved language abilities that our three-year-olds are using to express themselves. For them, they are expressing themselves more clearly, but the verbal outburst and sometimes unwavering negotiating skills, can be the last thing we want to endure. But these skills, continue to develop and grow for the rest of their lives, and just think, just one or two sleeps ago, we were crying and gushing as they said “mama” and “dada.”
If there is any rollercoaster I will 10/10, always, choose to forgo, it’s the emotional rollercoasters that have rapidly increased. These rapid changes in emotions and big emotions at that, are searching for a way out, of our 35-pound babes. While we think and teach, “use your words”, it is important that we remember, even as adults, I am sure there are times we could just “use our words” too. I think we’ve all seen that TikTok trend where it says something about telling your kids to use their words, and then it says something like “do as I say not as I do” while you see a grown man punching the $h!t of a hanging plant- I mean it is so funny and so darn true! We have to remember that these little monsters are still learning how to manage these new emotions.
Similar to all phases in our children’s lives, the duration varies from child to child. These challenging behaviors for some, last but a year, even 9 moths or less, and others, they can find themselves in the midst of this and other difficulties that cause the length to seem everlasting.
It is important that we always remember that our children’s development is dynamic and unique. That each of them experience different spurts of growth and behavioral changes at various ages, and even if they share the same genetic pool, all of our children are special and different. Additionally, the temperament and individual personality can easily influence how each child navigates this phase, so while you may feel like you are headed to a 72 hour vacation to a padded room, or on the other hand, questioning when the other shoe is going to drop, that we all go through trying times of parenting with our children, and that we all navigate defiant behaviors and assertion of independence, and hey, we all make it to the other side!!
While in the midst of our toddlers' tantrums, where they may be expressing their frustration, anger or other emotions, in an intense and sometimes dramatic way; it is more than common to feel overwhelmed, to feel this rush of anger, or embarrassment, the worry and internal questions about whether we are doing this whole parenting thing correctly or not. But it is in those moments, we must remind ourselves, that are babes, these little monsters, are just curious and learning. That this momentary disruption is just that, momentary. That no matter what we do, there is no way we can prevent this from happening. You can't rush it, but you dang sure can prolong it! The “terrible threes” are a normal part of child development that many if not all, children go through while navigating their growing independence and emotions.
While we all wish we could tap our red shoes and go home in these trying moments, the best way to respond to those challenging behaviors is patience and a calm demeanor (I know I know, how the heck are you supposed to do that), but our children can pick up on our emotions so staying as composed as possible can help deescalate those tense situations.
With all of parenting, it is important that we always establish and create, clear expectations and rules for behavior and to consistently enforce them. Children thrive on consistency and knowing what is expected of them helps them to maintain said boundaries. Additionally, in our home, we offer choices to a lot of things. Whether it be choosing between two acceptable snack options or two pairs of shorts, when given the option to choose, we notice that the likelihood of a meltdown is drastically smaller.
One of my favorites, is positive reinforcement. Even within the classroom, I see huge success in positive reinforcement for all age ranges of children. Whether there is a sticker chart or special treat, when you praise and reward the good, positive behavior, that you hope to continue, they are encouraged to repeat.
If your child is engaging in unacceptable behavior, redirection of their attention to a more appropriate activity or toy can be a lifesaver. If you find yourself in the middle of a standoff with your mini-boss, redirection to another subject can be the difference between a mommy meltdown, or a pat on the back! We all can be easily redirected, and even in the store check-out line, if you can, redirect and refocus their attention, you will find yourself patting that back, mama!
At the end of the day mamas, these standoffs are going to happen, and while we may run to the bathroom and cry or stay up with a glass of wine and lick our wounds, it is important that we seek support. That we reach out and talk to other parents, to share our experiences and share strategies for managing these challenging behaviors. To find your village and remember, we all need a little help from our friends!! Take a deep breath mama and relax those shoulders.
Once you've conquered the "terrible three," you'll be graced with either the "fantastic fours" or simply, the age of four. More emotional maturity and self-regulation will be more apparent, while your child continues to explore their independence.
As we navigate the "terrorizing threes" I hope you remember patience and understanding. That you work to use a flexible mindset and that regardless of the day or the meltdown, that you are consistent and loving while together, you and your toddler, navigate the challenges and transitions of early childhood development. This phase of life is just that, a. phase, and as our children continue to grow and develop, each new stage brings its own unique sets of joy and challenges. Hang in there mama, you are doing great!!
Was your kiddo a "terrible two" award winner or more of a "terrorizing three-anger"? How have you dealt with said behavior? What advice would you give to a parent who really has no clue how to navigate these new waters? I would love to hear your thoughts below!!
XO, Kelleen
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