It’s that time of year where some families come together and others fall apart.
I’ll let you guess which of those we fall into.
The holidays can be a time for togetherness, thankfulness, and, for some, family drama. Year after year, we find ourselves in uncomfortable situations rooted in long-standing conflicts, differing beliefs, or continued patterns of behavior, leading to tension or inevitable holiday fights. While we can’t control how others act, it is important that we stay mindful of how we react to the inevitable holiday family drama — and even, potentially find a better way to approach this emotionally loaded, time of year.
I spent countless years allowing unnecessary, unwarranted, and un-fixable, family drama to dictate my life and my emotional wellbeing, over the holiday season. I have written before, about the winter blues and about the commonality of depression or overall sadness during the holiday season- whether it be related to the weather or the stress surrounding all the festivities, a mixture of the two… this time of year can be daunting to so many.
I used to find myself, dreading the holiday season, okay maybe that isn’t fair to say, because I didn’t dread decorating my home in candy canes and endless red and green, and I certainly didn’t dread seeing my children open their gifts and the Christmas Day magic of Santa Clause, but I did dread family gatherings or lack there of. I dreaded guessing who was going to be where and who was publicly sharing their absence. I dreaded hearing the disappointment from my parents and other loved ones, that we couldn’t all be together and I dreaded that the “reasoning” was always related to me, my husband, or a mixture of the two. I dreaded that celebrations and gatherings were being split into two and that my children missed out on celebrating with their favorite people.
This year, and the year before, I took a stand, and said "not anymore." And decided that you know what, I just don't care. The only person I can control is myself and I choose to not allow the reoccurring disagreements and fights, to dictate my feelings and enjoyment, during the holidays. I refuse to allow unnecessary, unwarranted, and un-fixable drama to dictate how my little family of four celebrates the holiday season. I refuse to allow unnecessary, unwarranted, and un-fixable drama to dictate my emotional wellbeing and the time spent with loved ones.
I will never be the one who says, “it’s either us or them” and I will never, not be, at a family event, just because of the guest list. Like my favorite movie mama, says, “This is Christmas! The season of perpetual hope...” and I hope that one year, this becomes something we can laugh about, something of the past.
It can be so easy to get caught up into thinking about all the upcoming, and uncomfortable situations headed our way, or the anticipation of how it all might play out, that we neglect to take care of ourselves during the holiday season. We can find ourselves sitting there making small talk, in an attempt to divert any tension and/or in avoidance to any potential trigger-points, but it is just as important, if not more so, that we look out for ourselves. When we don't take the time to practice self-care, we put ourselves at a disadvantage and to combat that, I have started meditating (hang in there with me, I promise it isn't all that it sounds to be).
Staying calm in situations that are festering in tension and aggression can be understating-ly, complicated, but the reason meditation can be so effective in diffusing these situations, is because it trains our mind to be less judgmental, more kind, and more understanding. It shows us how to turn a once, hot-headed reaction, into a considered response, a response that is well thought out and meaningful. Most importantly, it helps us to be kinder to ourselves, because we are able to recognize and not indulge, in negative self-talk. Calmer minds lead to calmer environments, and the better equipped we are, those buttons being pushed will become obsolete.
Outside of meditation practice, we can still find ourselves feeling upset or overwhelmed by the familiar, toxic, situations that arise, but there is additional arsenal that we can use to stay kind, cool, and unbothered.
Just because it is the holiday seasons and we are going to family gatherings, does not mean that our boundaries are to be lowered. It is important in any and all situations, to set boundaries. We know, a lot of times, what questions are going to be asked and what may trigger us to become upset, so it is important that we decide, ahead of time, what is best for us- if we are to engage in said discussion or not. Boundaries can protect not only ourselves, but our family members. By establishing our own limits and needs required to feel safe and comfortable, we are caring for ourselves and allowing our best selves to show up for our loved ones. And it is important to notate that the boundaries set by others, says nothing about us. Boundaries are our own and what others' place is none of our concern.
Take a walk or step out when your Spidey sense are tingling and you can feel things heating up. Excusing ourselves for a moment to find personal space and regain a bit of clarity and calmness is imperative and should be practice whenever necessarily. It doesn’t need to be done in dramatic effect, but even just a 2-minute walk outside can-do amazing things for your mind.
The behavior we want emulated, should be the behavior we show. Even in the most toxic family interactions, modeling behavior we want to receive is key. Compassion can be easily overlooked in the heat-of-the moment, so it is important that we try to be compassionate, to remember that we cannot choose our family, and even the most disgruntled member deserves to be cared for. It is important that we try to best understand the opposing parties' perspective and point of view, seeing a dispute or concern from an opposing point of view, allows for understanding and increases the prospects of our points being truly heard and understood in response.
Maybe as we approach each disagreement, we do so mindfully and feel deep inside our hearts that we did everything, just right, but still find ourselves saying something that we are not proud of, that's okay! Similar to a close friend, or even our children, it is important that we remember to be gentle and understanding with ourselves. We are only human and when we do all that we can, and lead with kindness, there is not anything else, that can be done.
It is impossible to fix the uncomfortable family dynamics over the holiday season, and that's okay! What we can do is continue to be mindful of our own reactions during stressful and otherwise difficult situations. We must accept that we can only control so much, and finding compassion for others can be a powerful way of letting go rather than getting wrapped into unnecessary, unwarranted, and un-fixable dramatics. It might not always be the most wonderful time of year, but we can make it a better time of year and the first step, is saying "not anymore."
Hang in there babes, and remember, "deck the halls and not your family!"
XO,
Kelleen
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