A Little Triggered, Maybe

Seeing your kids have a relationship similar to the one I had as a child feels so wrong. 

What makes things worse is the words being said, out loud to my boys, were never said to me, and while the actions were always there and the scenarios couldn't be anymore similar, for me, I was never blatantly told all the things, that my sweet babies have been told. No, my babies are told, having their faces rubbed in, the favoritism.

This topic strikes a chord with many, of both love and resentment.

Real-life favoritism has a far less delicious appeal, than the fictionalized variety- especially when the preferential treatment comes from a relative. The iconic beings charged with sprinkling unconditional love and inter-generational wisdom like fair dust- yet, many remain mired in the muck of conflict and preferential treatment.

I always thought we'd all grow up and grow out of it, but in my 29 years of life, the naivety has dissipated, and I know that this is a generational type of thing. It has never mattered what I have done with my life, the treatment has stayed consistent, and that has never been something I wished upon my children. 

So maybe, it triggers me a little bit more than it would for others, but that is only because I've lived this. I've been in my sweet babies shoes, and I know what they feel, or maybe not what they are feeling today in this moment, but as they continue to grow and understand the relationship dynamics, I know full well the hurt, disappointment, and the feeling of being insufficient enough, the wonder of what they've done to be on the other side of this tasteless dynamic.

Culturally, the norms presiding over family interactions have us expecting an even hand and serene smile, but achieving the cultural ideals is oftentimes an impossible task given the arduous task of doling out fair treatment across multiple children and a vast array of circumstance. It is no wonder to me, that even the most well-intentioned grandparents fail, but it is no secret that not all grandparents are well-intentioned and the potential for family conflict is boundless. Even parents as a whole, have a stake in creating favoritism to our very own children.

I am not blind or naïve to believe that favoritism shouldn't and doesn't exists and that has never been my intention, to pretend that it doesn't. The key feature is that it's obvious to everyone, especially children. My boys are heat-seeking missiles when it comes to accurately pinpointing favoritism. 

The role these powerful figures in our families have, sets the tone for which how others are treated. And when favoritism is involved, it sets a benchmark for how people are valued and treated within the family. As a child, the situation is not always black and white and while the situation is a result of said persons inadequacies, in their minds, it feels as if it is theirs to take.

It is no secret that I favor frank conversations with those I love most when trouble arises. I very much am a "talk it out" kind of gal, and I certainly value clarity, honesty, and authenticity at the highest regard. But these situations are not just some mere bump in the road, it's a longstanding issue, and while I am unsure where the link to my boys and I became imminent, I have grown to acknowledge that it's not at all pertinent for this emotionally tact conversation to take place, nor would be in the least bit helpful. Even in the very unlikely event that there is an unawareness to these stippling dynamics, the preference is visible to all and I cannot imagine that making this awareness more clear, would change the way that feelings are celebrated and relationships are shared.

I don't like the way my children are being treated but I don't think these types of dynamics can be fixed; the only purpose served by having it out, would be getting all the pent-up anger that's been building, waiting to erupt, off my chest. And how the hell would that help matters??

This delicate balance, this dance, requires an act of tread in whole-hearted care and the consideration of implications due to addressing the issues should never be overlooked. While open communication is vital in resolving conflict, the likelihood of additional strain is no doubt the leading result. In some cases, it may be beneficial to approach with situation with empathy and understanding, seeking to foster harmony as the only resolve.

But at what point do we say, this is a lost cause?

Eventually you either cut the cord all-together or you graciously decide to live with some degree of unfairness. And this is where we are living. The conversations had within the safe place of our home continues- that we are all just people, with our own faults and prejudices and abilities to be fair minded. That we acknowledge that some dynamics are just damn messy, and if we don't think too hard about it and don't look too closely, we will manage. That we show up, deal with it, forget it, and allow the ruminating to be left to the cows and philosophers. So, while I enjoy another glass of memory-dulling wine, I work an outline for a conversation to be had after, in which my kids can discuss with me their thoughts and we work together to move forward, ensuring their worth is not judged by their impending relations.

The limitations be set, boundaries better placed, and on continual occasions, opening up the conversation with my boys, about why it is wrong and that it is not their fault has been key. In fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with them and the only person missing out, inevitably, is the other.

At what point, do we decide enough is enough and break the cycle of discontent? After years of hoping and praying things will get better, nothing changes and nothing will. But it is my job, as my children's mother, to create a legacy of fairness.

Leaving a legacy of fairness has clear benefits- a warm loving extended family buffers children from life's vicissitudes and multi-generational get togethers will one day be a rich source of family folklore where stories are shared, food is enjoyed, and traditions are created. And that goal, is worth attaining!!

The intricate tapestry of relationships can weave threads of discord and tension. While I am quick to always approach challenges with compassion and empathy, commitment to nurturing family harmony, I cannot lie when I say that this mama is freaking tired. While I continue to navigate the complexities, this delicate balance, I must remember that those two blue-eyed boys are always watching, listening, and learning.

While this doesn't include a full conclusion, a resolve, I know that one day, it will fall into place as it may. And while the resolve of my own preferential treatment has dissipated, the wounds are still deep within my soul and I carry them daily, and that is something I will ensure my children do not suffer through!

Because in this house, we break generational traumas. We handle ourselves with grace and class, always, but take no shit.

XO, Kelleen