Growing up, we were always told family is everything. Family is all you have. And we felt that, and I still very much feel that way, but I also experienced alienation and saw differences in treatment of my brother and I versus other members of our family and to say that has affected my life, even as an adult, is hard to admit. It is hard to grow up being treated differently, in every aspect of the word, and seeing how wonderful and great someone else is being treated by the same person that alienates you. I remember visiting family members and wishing we didn’t have to be there, wishing that I could have the love and affection I was witnessing them give someone else. I remember wondering why I was being treated differently, like what I had done wrong, how I wronged them…. I remember trying so hard and doing anything and everything I could think of, to gain a relationship that I so desperately wanted. I wanted to fit in this box that I perceived to be what they wanted, and needless to say, that never worked out. Ever. It was wasted time, wasted thoughts, and it never solved a damn thing. And I always swore that I would NEVER allow my children to feel that treatment, and that is a failure of mine.
When you have children, you want them to experience a life better than you were afforded, right- you want them to not feel the pain or hurt you’ve experienced, you want them to feel all the excitement and do all the adventures and more, but let’s take away all the bad, right? How the heck do you do that?
I mean in one thought, it sounds easy, cut said person or people out… well, that would be “easy” if it were the same circumstances, I endured… but what about if it is an entirely different person, an entirely different scenario. I am proud and honored that the feelings of alienation and lack of acceptance I felt from said family members as a child has since dissipated and I am honored and filled with joy that my boys have an incredible relationship with those I wish I had had. In some respects, I find myself almost envying my boys that they fill the “spot” I so longed for. But in return, there is someone who treats them very similarly to how I felt (or how I perceived) I was once treated, and it is devastating to watch. It is devastating to see my 5-year-old son try so hard. And man does he try, SO. DAMN. HARD. He wants to be the child that fits the box for this person. He wants to be the person they “change” for. The behavior being displayed to my children isn’t new, no this is who this person is. In fact, it is something, unfortunately, we knew we would endure- but why is it so damn hard?
I don’t ever want my children growing up thinking that they aren’t good enough, that they did something wrong and that the way they are being thrown to the side is okay. This situation is a little different because the relationship they have with these family members is quite complicated. At times, they are the light of their life, right, my boys are their world, their moon, and their stars, but only when it’s convenient for them. Only when it’s time to put on a show and do their song and dance, do they step up and be the person, the people, my sons expect them to be, but day to day, they are nowhere to be seen or heard from. My kids can go days, even weeks without hearing from them, and when they do, it’s a quick 2-minute phone call, initiated by us, and the conversation isn’t even about them. I acknowledge that it can be quite challenging to get a five year old and a two year old to sit there and chat for a long period of time, but being as they are speaking to an adult, you'd think the said adult would be asking questions to keep the conversation going. To show interest in the day to day lives of the children they have very little to do with... to show interest in what my two boys are into and what sports they are playing, what movies they are enjoying on repeat and maybe how their day has been... My kids will reach out and chat, I'll send pictures, and the response is always circling back to someone or something else. Oh look, we went to the pumpkin patch, oh well let me show you this that or the other and completely ignore what I had just sent. There is no acknowledgement of what is being said or being sent, it just is what they are wanting to share, what they want to “show off.” And that’s just what it is, “showing off”, it feels like a competition at times, a one sided one, though. Have you seen the TikTok trend, or originally the movie, Borat, where it goes, “this is my neighbor…. he is pain in my assholes…. I get window from glass; he must get a window from a glass….” It’s JUST LIKE THAT!!!
So how do we handle it? Well, not well. And that is why I am here. To write it out. To find my clarity. To seek my voice.
To be continued....
XO, Kelleen
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