Advice to my younger, naive, self.
There are certain things that my mom would say, over and over again- with the whole "one day, you'll understand" demeanor... but guess what, the days where I would understand, are here and continue to remind me, that your biggest supporter is almost always your mama!
My first piece of advice...
Don't wait for that one day to have the epiphany. It is natural for all of us to experience the little light bulb *switch* moment, but some lessons are easier to learn from, from afar, rather than experience them for yourself.
Calling mama
Once you spread your wings, life is so different. I wish I hadn't focused on just chasing life changes and independence as soon as I did.
I think it is important to start this by saying, you are only given one set of parents (or guardians, parent figures, mentor etc.) to raise you, and it is not easy. Raising children is a job that as you become a parent you learn all that it entails. It is not easy, and it can be easy to criticize when you are not in those particular shoes, but I know my parents did all that they could, and they did their best day in and day out. Let's assume, that whoever has taken on the job of parenting you, or whomever took on the job of parenting you, did the best that they can/could.
For all the times you wanted to pull your hair out, you will one day realize that it is because they loved you, their goal isn't to annoy you or destroy your life. They truly have your best interests in mind, and they just want to protect you from the unknown (to you).
I wish I had taken more time to enjoy life with my parents. I wish I had considered how lucky I was to be raised with my twin brother, living a life full of endless opportunities and memories. At 18, I was ready. I thought I knew it all and focused on leaving the nest at the first opportunity, and guess what, I knew very little and the struggle that I lived could have easily been navigated had I had the relationship with my parents that I have now.
They'll come and go...
Some relationships are there to carry you, support you through different stages of life, but then they go. Some relationships aren't meant to last forever. Some relationships don't make it to the next stage of your life, or even through specific stages and damn can it hurt.
Not everyone is meant to stick around your whole life and that's okay! It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad friend. Some friends will be around till you are old and gray while others were placed in your life to climb a mountain, have fun, learn a thing or two and maybe even teach you something, and that's it. There is value in every person you meet. There is value to the people who brought you pain. There is a lesson through every encounter and every friendship. And it may not always be someone leaving you. There will be people in your life that you will outgrow, maybe they are still doing the trivial shit that you are done with, maybe they are stuck in state of toxicity that is toying on your mental health, maybe they are only there to teach you a lesson... regardless the situation, it's okay to say goodbye.
Set boundaries. Protect your peace.
I wish I had started setting boundaries way before I felt like I had no other choice. It wasn't until I experienced some of the most toxic relationships, the most depressing times in my life before I learned the connect of boundaries. I had an epiphany during a moment of desperation. It is okay to say no. It is okay to set limitations. It is okay to protect your mental health. To protect your peace! Not everyone has boundaries and those are the ones that will be upset with you creating them. The people who require your boundaries are the only ones who will say anything about you needing them. Remember that!
Always, always, be kind.
I think all girls go through the "bitchy is cool" stage. Whether it be towards your mom or a family member, a friend or what have you.... but I wish I could have done better. In a full place of vulnerability, I think back to a moment when I was in Florida with my mom visiting my Nana. She had just had her hip replaced and we were there taking care of her, my mom was out doing something, and I remember in this specific moment, my Nana was on the phone with my mom and said, "Kelleen come talk to your mom." And I did, and for whatever reason, I remember throwing the phone and screaming "don't ever make me f****** talk to her again or I will never speak to you either." I remember screaming at her and seeing her become crushed. She was devastated and shocked, as was I. That moment I became unhinged has haunted me relentlessly because a couple years later, I lost her, and I didn't have this clarity to apologize to her. I know she has forgiven me, but that moment of clarity changed a lot for me. During this time, of the incident, my mom and I were in a very bad place, and to be honest, we were in this place of hardship and strain up until I became a mother myself, and since becoming a mom, I realized that being kind to others is not only respecting them as a person, but it is also being kind to yourself. Practice the values not just for others in your circle, but to everyone around you. It comes with knowing that deep inside, everyone has a battle that you know nothing about and no matter what you are enduring, be kind. Hold the door. Say thank you. Wave. Smile. Be kind.
Toxic stays toxic
There is a root, a pain, a struggle in anyone displaying toxicity. And you cannot always fix someone who doesn't want to help themselves. You cannot help someone who refuses to address the toxicity.
I have dealt with my fair share of toxic individuals, from ex-boyfriends to friends, to family members to coworkers... it is an adjustment to realize that they are not hurting YOU, they are hurting themselves. These people have always been hurting and there is a root that causes their inability to function healthily. I would even go as far as to say that there is some spark of "addiction" that can happen when you try to build a healthy relationship with someone that doesn't have a healthy relationship within themselves. There is a hardship in knowing you cannot save them, that you are not the problem, you just fell victim to their vicious cycle. If toxic wants to stay toxic- move on, forgive, and forget.
Forgiveness is optional
Should you forgive? Most of the time, yes. Not for them, but for YOU! Give yourself that closer. But that forgiving someone that hurt you should come AFTER you forgive yourself.
When someone hurts you, you oftentimes forget to forgive ourselves. Forgiving someone else can bring peace but forgiving yourself brings so much power. Do what you can to be at peace. Always.
Everyone's got one
It is okay to agree to disagree. Options are like assholes, you know the saying, everyone has one and sometimes you don't need them pushed on you.
This circles back around to boundaries. It is common while navigating your parenting journey, that you meet some mamas with strong options on how you should live your life, raise your kids, spend your money on etc. but it is important that you do what works for you. Lead with love, always, and listen to the opinions of others, but remember to leave the judging to Jesus. I like to think that highly open and opinionated people try to come from a good place rather than bad. Either way, it's okay to diminish the noise and focus on your priorities and make the decisions that are best for you and your family.
Shit happens
Something that I wish I knew sooner was that it is okay to make mistakes. Fear of failure or disappointment is so hard. Whether you feel like you are letting yourself down or others, it takes time to lean that "failing" isn't always "failing". Sure, there is some discouragement associated with the feeling of failure, but in order to achieve success, you must risk failing. Most importantly, failures can lead you to where you are supposed to be. If we think of our genuine mistakes as spiritual GPSs, or destiny, and embrace them, then you will find that you are stronger, smarter (as long as you learn from each mistake), and open to more experiences and opportunities.
Control what you can control
Something my Poppi use to say all the time was "control what you can control". With acknowledging this and understanding that we are truly not in control of every aspect of our lives, you learn to let go. It can feel liberating when you realize there is very little that you can in fact control. I have been faced with having to fully embrace spirituality at very difficult moments in my life and I wish I hadn’t waited until I was down on my knees to do that. We are brought up to hear and receive what we need to know, but what if we didn't wait and were more curious, like our young kids. What if we were hungry for knowledge, interested in ourselves and others, open to therapy, to the opinions and thoughts of others. Food for thought, it’s better to chew on it than having to swallow it the hard way.
It's okay to not be okay
I feel like this is becoming popular, right, saying that "it's okay to not be okay". That it's cliche to talk about the society that we live in, that censors anything that brings discomfort. We oftentimes feel pressured to live this life of longevity. A life full of perfectionism, idealism, excellence...and most of the time, these things are measured in moments and can look different from one person to another. We pressure people so much on how they should live their lives through happiness or sorrow that we have made people believe that sadness, grief, health etc… is optional and a burden. Life is so complex. Life is not always easy and being okay with not being okay is a must in our need to process life. It is okay to give yourself and other space to hurt, to feel, to work through things. You are responsible for processing your struggles, no one else, so don't let censorship inhibit you from a healthier life, of mental health and emotional well-being.
Well, that was helpful
Thank you for reading. Thank you for allowing me to document my journey. Every day can be a beautiful lesson whether positive or negative. It is up to each of us to make that choice.
So, what about you?? What have you learned through the test of time? What is something you wish you had listened to your parents about? What do you wish to share with your kids one day?
Cheers!! XO,
Kelleen
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