Generational Crap

Some traits that are passed down from our generational legacy are beautiful;

our looks, intelligence, acceptance, the genuine-ity, kindness, generosity, etc.

Something my dad and I talk a lot about, especially since becoming a parent myself, is working to break generational cycles or generational curses. 

Every family has them, right?

Dysfunctional family dynamics and patterns, that are more common than I think many realize, and if you think your family doesn't have one, I suggest taking a look from the outside, in. These patterns repeat themselves from generation to generation until one generation catches on and ultimately breaks the cycle. Something like abuse and toxicity, to lack of compassion or affection- something that our parents experienced as children and carried down into our childhood and so on and so forth.

Breaking cycles takes a lot of work, a lot of self-reflection, and sometimes requires seeking help from an outside source, but breaking these toxic cycles can be life-giving for the individual doing the breaking as well as the generations that follow.

A generational curse is a habit or behavior that is passed down from generation to generation. 

I strongly believe that all parents should strive to ensure that the life they lead, helps their children to live a better life; for our children to not have to endure the misfortunes we experienced during our childhood; for our children to have better, do better, be better. Children practice what they have learned on their own and what they have gathered from the generations before them. This is not exclusively negative however, how does these practices align with what you wish for your life and the life’s of your children? The lessons taught when at a young and moldable age are oftentimes the roadmap used to navigate life, if you wish to see the trajectory of where your family will end up, looking back often paints a clear picture.

Generational cycles or curses are passed down through the actions of our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, caregivers, etc. and our own personal experiences and experiences of those close to us.

They are passed down through stories and live action, through emotions, culture, and communication.

We can all remember the stories that we were told growing up and the explanations we were given. Some will remember the way they were treated or how we saw others being treated, some will remember the reactions they saw given to others or give to them, or the way of life that they lived versus the life they saw others living. Some of those practices and stories are not necessarily the best or most positive ideologies to take with us, emotional damage-you know, so what do we do when we haven't been taught anything different?

I vividly remember listening to adults in my life; sharing stories about situations they found themselves in and how they got out of them or sharing stories of what they witnessed or heard about, sharing lessons both positive and negative, in nature. Stories ranging from graduating college and becoming an Air Force Officer to drunken vacations with family members with blurry, once in a lifetime, memories that are cherished. To sexual abuse and abortions, driving cars at 14 or getting their master’s degree, being a WWII veteran and physical abuse, etc.- if you can think it, I am sure someone in our lifetime has endured it and shared it. These stories, most with powerful messages, have the opportunity to teach each listener a lesson or two. Lessons about making a way when there seems to be endless roadblocks, to value the family you have and make the best of each and every day, to be kind and never take anyone for granted, to be strong in your values and morals and most importantly, to protect our children.

Some stories that we hold near and dear, even those we hold onto without conscious thought, can subsequently contribute to us and the path we walk, that can result in the same, if not similar, poor outcome, or the opposite, they can help us to walk the other direction and find ourselves on the other side, in a better or happier position. The practice, of following the same negative path, can be harmful and can affect how we learn and develop on our own, or even affect the generations that proceed us, too. It's not bad to want to hold onto these stories, but times are changing, and the lessons learned by these stories are evolving, the world is not the same world it was when those stories were reality- so remember to analyze said stories, think about the impact it can leave.

The generational curses can be passed down from the things we hear, see, experience and the things that happen in families that we don’t learn from until we are "old enough to understand." So, do you follow the generational path and do the same to the generation that follows or do you break that curse and find new ways to create healthy family cycles.

Some have grown up with emotional parentification.

Parentification is when parents rely on their children to fulfil their emotional voids and needs. This pattern is often driven by a parent’s emotional needs being unmet in their present life or even stem from their childhood. I don’t believe that this is always intentional, but it is easy for our children to become a target for the emotional hunger that their parent is searching for, nonetheless. This puts a lot of demands onto the child and limits their ability to fully experience emotional development.

When we seek out to our children to help soothe or regulate our emotions, or seek constant attention, validation, or approval, we are expecting our children to save our loneliness. You are putting the responsibility of your emotional needs on children, rather than creating emotionally fulfill relationships with a spouse or other adult. As adults, it is important that our emotional needs met by work or hobbies, spiritual commitments, self-care, or/and personal development. It is imperative, that we learn to practice self-validation, self-regulation, and self-love, and that we teach the same to our children.

What about projection, when parents work out their fears, insecurities, unresolved attachments on their children. By worrying our children, children feel trapped by their parents’ pressures and don’t have room to be their own person, to learn to function well on their own or live out their own unique dreams and life choices.

This may look or feel like, anxiously focusing on what's wrong with a child and avoiding the acknowledgement of our own insecurities and fears or living vicariously through our children or expecting our children to be or do the things we didn’t get the chance to do/have/be. Unconsciously competing with your children or feeling envious or growing resentful of our child’s successes can also be a sign of a toxic cycle.

It is important that we all celebrate our children’s success and happiness. As well as, trust that our children are capable and resilient of chasing their own dreams, and encourage them to never stop learning. When we put that trust into our children and take away projection, it too can lead to developing and growing new parts of ourselves.

Emotional Offloading or misdirecting emotions can manifest into so much, but the pattern is oftentimes when parents struggle to acknowledge, regulate, and/or process difficult emotions within themselves. Instead of processing inside, they dump it all out on their children through blaming and acting out, becoming defensive or creating more conflict/drama. It is imperative that we learn to acknowledge, regulate, and process our own emotions- not only for our children but for ourselves, to take responsibility for our part of any and all conflict we find ourselves in and understanding that emotional reactivity is contagious, and we must practice how to remain calm and grounded during emotionally difficult times. We must learn to listen to our children's feelings, needs, and wishes- it will free our children, so that they can be their authentic and honest self with us, as their parents.

Or those who have a relationship with little to no boundaries, where people lose a sense of who they are as their own self. Everyone gets pulled into their drama and emotions spread like wildfire from one to all. Pulling our children into drama and conflicts concerning other adults, getting defensive when children set or enforce a boundary can be combatted by asking our children regularly what their limits and preferences are. Respecting the boundaries our children set without taking it personally and making our selfs the victim. It is important that we encourage our children to live their own lives, to think and make choices for themselves- even when those fall under beliefs or ideals that differ from yours.

I think it is safe to assume all parents will do some of these patterns to some degree or another throughout the course of parenthood, all parents were likely to receive some of these patterns in their childhood as well- but patterns relating from generation to generation should be adaptive and evolve. It is important that we all practice reflecting on these to help us develop greater awareness and evolve into more mature ways. One of the greatest gifts we can give our future children is to continue their own evolution of parents.

It's not just you.

It is important that you know that these generational cycles are NOT your fault. These cycles that go unchecked or unnoticed, the things that are not dealt with, will continue to be passed down to each generation- hints the word, cycle. I do believe that it is our responsibility to break these negative traits. The quicker we identify and break them, the more beneficial to ourselves and our children. Some of those dysfunctional habits can affect out loved ones, our livelihood- we should take that negative behavior more seriously and instead of enabling the destructive patterns or make excuses for these bad habits or attributes, we must take responsibility for those actions, hold ourselves accountable and break them!

You may be feeling trapped or think that there is no hope, that these patterns are just apart of your life and it will be that way for eternity, but guess what, it's not! There is hope, always! A transformational mindset is achievable for all and it starts on the inside. Shift your mindset to break the cycle, once in the transformative place, your perspective and outlook will also change. Seek guidance or help from your pastor or close friend, a physiologist or therapist, someone.

Do better, be better!

There is no clear picture as to what breaking a generational curse looks like, but you can be certain that more people are breaking them without even realizing it. People have been building a new foundation of the stories that they were told as children and making them their own. People are thinking about restoring what was once broken in their family and strengthening the family they are creating. No mater the size of step, in the right direction, you go, you are breaking a generational curse. Work on becoming self-aware of destructive patterns, educate yourself about your family and family history, take accountability- always, don't be afraid to seek help and remember, it is our responsively to break these curses! Do better, be better for our children.

Talk to me, how have you worked through generational trauma? How do you be better and do better for your children or self?

Cheers!! XO, Kelleen