I feel like everyone I know has someone in their life that they just don't "click" with. Whether it be a parent or grandparent, cousin or in law, friend or friends' spouse, there's a person who gets your energy. If the person in your life is anything like those I've encountered, just the thought of the dynamic is draining, it is depressing and it causes the kind of anxiety that can become crippling. A dynamic filled with what seems to be one-sided hatred, fueled by jealousy and fear of association of you and others, but as you know, there are always two sides to every story- and this, this is mine.
Hate is such a deep and strong emotion. Invoking anger and ultimately resentment. I find myself asking, what causes someone to be so hateful? How can someone hate and dislike someone, so much?
The dynamic is hard to put into words, trying to describe a relationship like this can feel like an uphill task, so I will spare you as much as I can...
Rejection. Regardless if you put your best foot forward or not, everything you do to make things "work", doesn't, and every situation ends in turmoil and conflict- rejection in one sense and frustration in the other. No matter how hard you try to fit the "mold", it always ends the same. I've learned to stop seeking approval or appreciation because it won't come, unless you agree to the same conditions a leased car does. You'll feel drained because the situation draws on your heart, your emotional generosity, your reasonableness, compassion, and humanity- there will little in return. Give what you need to, but don't give any more than that in hopes that there will be something in return- be realistic. There will never be any more than the bare minim, and even that comes with its rules and conditions. It has taken a lot of working within myself to realize that you cannot force someone to appreciate you. You cannot force someone to see things the way you do, to understand your desires and goals within any relationship.
Abuse. The disgust and anger, the irritation of just your presence in this world is so triggering to them and the only way they know to react is in a form of verbal abuse. They say that "a three-inch tongue is powerful enough to kill a man six feet high...." and let me tell you, if you are enduring anything like this, you are NOT alone, and I care about you. I am here for you! Those words spewed at you? Those are insecurities within the person spewing them. The statements they used to bring you down are used so you feel just as low and sad as they feel within. Toxic people will always see in others what they do not want to address within themselves. Key word here, projection. You may be the kindest, most gracious person on the planet and toxic people will turn themselves inside out and try and convince you that you're otherwise.
Belittling. In my experience, it doesn't matter what you do, everything you do or don't do, anything you try to do or don't try to do, it's wrong. Everything you have done that can be viewed as wrong or could have been done differently, is pinpointed and ran with. It doesn't matter if it doesn't pertain to them or their mom, their dog, their neighbor- it will be scrutinized. From education to your employer, to your appearance and goodness gracious that personality, anything that can trigger a response of inferiority and loss of confidence- is the ticket.
Outsider. So maybe they are new to your family or maybe you are new to theirs... even though there is some sort of bond that binds the two of you together, you are always to be an outsider. Not just that, but you are to forgo anything that took place prior to them, if they weren't there or didn't experience it, it never happened. And don't even think about reaching out to the person binding you together, absolutely not- there shouldn't be any communication without them included- you're the outsider.
Crucified. Cunning words leave you crucified, blamed, and criticized.
Insecurity. There is always a fear that you are going to gain the appreciation they desire. There is a development that can be dubbed as jealousy and insecurity. You are responsible and everything bad is due to you.
There is a pattern, a cycle, that people follow. they start off charming, maybe not to you, but to their "in" person. They'll be attentive and loving, they pull out ALL THE STOPS, the china dishes and the champagne, impressive really! Next is when you start to see the cracks. The demands are mounting, pulling all of your emotional recourses. A test, a crisis. You feel stuck right, whether or not you give them what you want, you feel like you are compromised- what do you do? Finally, you'll do what they want you to do, because you don't want to come across as the "reason" or cause of the drama, right. But then, they got what they want here comes the charm right.... Be aware of the cycle and use it to build boundaries and a solid foundation within yourself.
Okay wow, that's a lot. So now what. How do you deal??
Let me be the first to say, I don't know. I know plenty of what NOT to do. But here is my dictation of processing the dynamic.
In this dynamic you end up miserable, frustrated, and irritated. It is imperative that you lessen the damage within your own self. Create guidelines and boundaries and do not think just because things are good, we can bend them. Don't! Set your boundaries, stay true to them, and focus on your mental health.
Draw the line. They don't worry about invading your boundary or traumatizing your safe zone and ruin your mental peace. More times than not, this type of dynamic has conflicts often- the drama at first can be rattling and leave you wondering where you went wrong. But in due time, unfortunately, you learn that no matter what, things will always end up back here, so create the boundary. Create your safe-haven. Drawing a boundary does not mean retaliating and meeting back at their level, it means putting your self and sanity first. It's realizing that when you allow for this to enter your zone, the more you find your self in a bad head space. Something that has taken me longer to do than I'd care to admit, is just stoping the ability for communication, on all forefronts. Can that make things "difficult", yeah, but are you really missing anything in those moments that make the risk for unhealthy banter to crash your safe zone? Ehh I doubt it.
How I was raised, you talk everything out. You create open conversation, preferably face to face (to eliminate any misunderstandings on tone) and readdress the conflicts that are at bay. Don't try and make them understand you and your "side" but talk openly and be readily open to truly listen. Be open and real. There is no assurance that once you meet and talk, that things turn out hunky dory in the end, but at least you have the satisfaction of knowing you had a part in trying to make things better and hopefully you are able to understand where the disconnect is. I can't tell you the number of times I have taken this approach, and every dynamic is different, but it does help! And it helps for a little while but as the issues have compounded, I have determined that if there is conversation, the conversation needs to be open for all. Bring someone who has common ground, a therapist or a friend the two of you share, someone who will be medial and keep things calm, cool, and fair.
Reactions, they don't work. Once somethings broken, you can either try to fix it or you just leave it. Any reaction you have, essentially will end up with things spiraling out of control (which shockingly happens even when you think things cannot be any worse). You can try and try with all your might to change someones perspective but ultimately you cannot control the other person and to save your sanity, the best response is no response. And let me tell you, there is something so satisfying about knowing that they desire for a response and not engaging and giving one. So sweet.
Lessen any expectation. In general, expectations hurt more when surrounded by negative situations and are bound to affect you in a negative manner. You "expect" someone to understand and support you in any given situation and you expect things from people based on your demeanor and your reaction and it can be devastating when that expectation isn't met. When you expect less, you free yourself from the control of others. DETACH!! Oh my goodness, detach. Detach from the expectations, from the desire of acceptance and urge for approval and appreciation. Free yourself from all the expectations and focus on the positivity.
My dad's stance is always, don't talk about it, don't bring life to it, ignore it. How long do you keep yourself in the negative arena of bullshit? How long are you going to hold onto the misfortune and let it affect your mind and heart? You have to start ignoring and let go of the things that affect you. Live for the moment, in the moment. Pay attention to your own thoughts and focus on you. Love yourself. Do something that makes you happy. But most importantly, don't take to heart the nonsense. Essentially you have one person in you life, your whole life, who is saying these things... do you trust their opinions of you or the multitude of others in your life? By ignoring the circumstance, you help yourself heal and protect yourself from overthinking, the mental anguish of the argument and the assumptions of what's to come. Control what you can control.. You can't control anyone else but yourself, so grab yourself a drink, cry it out to your husband and closest girlfriends and let that shit go! (Easier said than done.. obviously). Things may get worse when you take the approach of ignoring the situation- much like a temper tantrum your child has, the more you ignore, the louder they get right.. same scenario here. When you stand strong and don't give in to the conflict, they go in hard and strong. They have found a way to manipulate and control you and when that stops, they will do anything possible to find the arsenal that gets their point across. Escalation is not a stop sign. It is a sign that what you're doing, is teaching them that their "old" behavior won't work anymore, it isn't accepted here, anymore! Keep going and stay strong!
Another point that my dad has instilled throughout life is don't be the victim! Be the victor not the victim. Do we seek validation and sometimes pity? Sure, but decide today that you will not be anyone's victim! Instead, thrive in your boundaries, with your strength, smarts and willpower to make the decisions needed to thrive. You're amazing! You're strong! You're powerful! You are NOT anyone's victim. NOBODY's!
Within your control, avoid their dimension, look back at one of the first thoughts- set healthy boundaries, draw the line and avoid the additional damage with avoiding conflict. Avoid the opportunity for argumentative situations. Now you might think, okay you weak b******, be a man and stand up for yourself. Ehh no, you're resilient and you are protecting the most important person, YOU! Avoid talking or seeing each other, especially if you are concerned with the outcome. But that doesn't mean missing out on life. Don't skip the family gatherings and the birthday parties, go on the family trips and live life like you always have. Walk with your head held high and be polite. Do not leave your kindness for others. Do not stoop to their level, they'll beat you with experience!
During the transition, invest in yourself. Read a book or talk with a mentor. Spend the day at the spa with your best girlfriend and talk it out. Upgrade yourself and learn how to better yourself!! These types of people cannot stand a confident woman, they cannot stand someone who is strong in who they are, which is why they try and bring you down. Don't let them, you are you, the best you there is and don't ever forget that! Your mental health is just as important as your physical health! Life is about finding happiness and when you look back at your life, you will cherish endless moments and will skim through the bullshit.
Practice self-love. Put YOU first. Replenish YOUR cup. YOU matter!
Focus on the good. Your husband, your children, your parents and your career. Your pets or friends.. there is so much to focus on, there is so much to be thankful for! You are blessed!
Take time for your mental health. Whether that's mediating or talking to a trained professional, or seeking guidance through the Lord, take time for your mind.
Breathe!
Maybe one day you can sit with your person and remember the hard times, maybe the good times are coming and you just have to work up the mountain to get to the other side.. We have all been fortunate to witness a scenario resulting in positivity in some sort of capacity. Take charge of you! Do not allow the opinion of someone you do not respect, to dictate who you are!
People who are hurting, hurt others. They may have gone through a traumatizing past, and they are seeking the person to help them get to the right direction and someone to show them the behavior they are craving. We are all messy and silly. We all have flaws and are a work in progress, but once you acknowledge your flaws, it is hard for someone to use them against you. They work so hard to play up your flaws and play down the strengths you have; it's how they gain power. If you're able to own both your weaknesses and your strengths, then what they say or what they think is nothing more than the water under the bridge. You know what you are good at! You know that your strengths are more than enough to make up for the flaws you have. You're fake and act too positive- it's not real life? Show them how real it really is!
What I have been working on as of late is forgiveness but not forgetting the "trauma". Letting go of expecting things to go differently, to let go of any expectations at all! You will never have the ability to control the past, but you can certainly control how much power it has to impact your future. Forgiveness isn't accepting the behavior and approving of it, it is not allowing it to consume and control you. Forgive in strength and with an abundance of self-love.
Hang in there and never forget, they can only go so long in peace until they initiate drama and ultimately the chaos they thrive off of. It is the only world they know and the only way they know how to feel comfortable. It is unfortunate that so many choose conflict and drama over happiness and laughter.. but not you!!!
Talk to me about your experiences with toxic people.... how do you handle them? What are your boundaries? What have you learned from those experiences? What would you do differently?
XO, Kelleen
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