Being a parent is one of life’s greatest gifts- and equally our greatest responsibility. As parents, we also assume the role of our children’s caretaker, protector, and provider, but as parents, we are also gifted the opportunity to learn some of the most valuable life lessons through our children. Once you have a child, your purpose becomes redefined. Our children can teach us so much about who we truly are, it can lead to epiphanies about our own childhood and give us insight on who we desire to become.
There is an outstanding amount of beauty while navigating parenthood, but there are many challenges that we all are faced with. Before I was a parent, I felt that having children couldn’t be that hard, all you do is care for them and they listen- right? Well, if your children are anything like mine, then you too, have experienced the rude awakening and reality of parenthood. From the early expectations, to today, our children begin to assert their independence, and at times, you may notice that they emulate you, and that may not always be a pleasant realization. Our children deserve to act like children, but sometimes it is hard to tell when their behavior warrants additional support.
Something that is talked about frequently with my mom friends and within the mom groups I am in, is why our children act a certain way in public- whether it be at school or at a family members house, with their babysitter or at a summer camp- versus how they behave in the privacy of our own home. An example, Finley will be super attentive and listen well when we go to the doctor’s office, he’ll be perfectly behaved, but it seems like the moment we step into the house, all goes out the window. Immediately there is a little bit of attitude and a whole lot of pleas coming from my mouth, to which are ignored…
It IS normal for a child to behave one way at home and differently when they are at school or daycare, with grandparents or caregivers, etc.
Children are far smarter than most give them credit to be, they are able to pick up on different behavioral expectations to which they are expected to reproduce. The home environment is where most of the unwanted behavior occurs because home is their safe place. They know when they walk in the door and into the four walls of our home, that they are safe, loved, and encouraged to be their authentic self. Does that mean I want all the play kitchen and food truck toys in my living room at 7:30 in the morning, not necessarily, but I do want my boys growing up knowing this is their safe place.
Sometimes it can be hard to remember that what we may consider to be “misbehavior” may just be our children demonstrating age-appropriate boundary tests, with whom they feel safe with. Nonetheless it can be upsetting to see the two different sides of our children, especially when we find ourselves on the receiving end of the “unwanted” behavior, but that is just our children, being children.
I find that my children hold onto certain emotions while we are out and about, but when we get home, they release those and more. They release their tears and anger, their frustration and sadness, where they feel the most emotional safety.
It is important that we encourage our children to feel their emotions, to work through them, and what better of a place to do that, than in the comfort of their home- where they can feel all that they need to feel and work through each of those feelings, with you, by their side.
None of this is to say that we are to not address our children’s behavior at home when they are acting out.I think it’s safe to assume that we all want to raise good humans, but a lot of us are learning as we go, and it can be difficult to understand why our children behave in certain situations. Remember that ALL behavior is communication. Even this unwanted, negative behavior, is a form of communication used by our children to connect with us, to communicate with us when words aren’t enough. If you seek for your child to listen to your advice as a parent, we must first listen to what our children are communicating with the unwanted behavior. In order to connect with our children and to change the behavior, it is important that we first listen and second work together to find a solution that fits the mold to what we need, and what our children need. Next time your child displays any unwanted behavior, consider connecting with them, listen to them, understand what message is behind the behavior and go from there.
It is also important to remember that social situations may be overwhelming for our children. The result of the overstimulation may be our children “shutting down” which can come across as them behaving “well” and being good, but once they are at home, where they feel safe to release their feelings, that can change.
Your child’s behavior is NOT a personal attack on you and your parenting!! To flourish, our children need a safe place- both physically and emotionally. No matter how independent our children are, especially as they pursue their interests outside the home, kids need to know that they can count on the presence of their parents when they get home. Our children would rather be with us than anything else in the world for a very long time, even when they start having sleepovers and experience time away- when they come home, they want a safe place where they can be their TRUE self, and to connect with their family. When we give our children a sanctuary, we are giving them an enormous gift! We are allowing them to go out and battle the world, and when they return home, they can recharge.
Cheers mama's!
XO, Kelleen
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