One of my Facebook memories, from this time last year, was a video of my son, reacting to some rather large family news. This family news didn’t directly affect us but did enough for the discussion to be had.
I was recording my sons reaction, because what I was expecting, was the complete opposite of the reaction he gave. I was expecting excitement and joy, rather than tears and despair. And can I just tell you that re-watching said video and reading what I shared on that specific day was devastating.
It was devastating to relive that moment, while watching those videos, and to be reminded, that we are in that same situation, all over again. Now, maybe the story itself has deviated one direction or another, but the plot has stayed the same. The hurt, the devastation, and the sadness is all too familiar.
I’ve shared about it, on another post or two, but there are relationships that we share with others that have a very much back and forth way about them. They’re either hot or they are cold, and there is never an in between. Not only is it either hot or cold, but there is also a pattern regarding time. You'll have six HOT months, and then six months of bitter coldness and just when you get to that feeling like, "here it comes"... ding dong. Here it is.
The difference between my son a year ago, in that video, and my son today, is astronomical. He has grown so much! The amount of emotional intelligence, maturity and strength all wrapped up in his 5-year-old body is overwhelming. But that doesn't mean that there is not lingering hurt and sadness. The people who are supposed to be a safe place for him, the people who are never supposed to waiver, do all but the opposite and gosh, it is so sad to admit, that he is starting to be unaffected. Unaffected by the emotional turmoil of an on again off again relationship with family members. Unaffected by the lack of loyalty and interest. Unaffected by the chaos that is brought on by their presence, whether today or six months later.
We knew it was coming, and ironically, we talked about it coming around this time of year, to begin with. It fits their MO. They are consistent, positive, loyal, and involved when they are in need of something and once, they are no longer in need, you can feel the cold front coming through. What makes all of this so chaotic, is that although you are constantly on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop, you never actually know how it's going to happen.
What is going to set the bomb off? What will the repercussions be? Who is exiled and who isn't?
We came from a place that was super-hot, hot great, wonderful, a lot of happiness, and a lot of positive memories, to a harsh reality of radio silence and realization of being used, again.
Used for your time, your energy, financial use... if they can benefit from it, they are going to take advantage, while they can.
This repercussions of being on this toxic Ferris wheel has really evolved over the last two years, and boy, I feel remarkable!
Two years ago, I would be feeling devastated and depressed. I would be fighting to the end of the Earth to make things right and the person I am today, is proud to say, that although it will always make me feel sad, the depression and devastation is not at the forefront of my emotions. There is definitely a sense of sadness and longing, especially at the thought of my children and how they are affected, but I myself, I am able to go to sleep at night, knowing that it is what it is and there is no reason to harp on the negative, depressing feelings. And frankly, there is no desire to try to improve any of the scenario. I have learned to just let it ride. I have held firmly to my boundaries that I have made. Two years ago, I would be doing everything in my power and offering everything under the sun, to try and mend whatever is broken, and today, there is not one ounce of me that has any desire or need, to do that.
I know that in a couple months, things will go back to the pre-holiday times, and I look forward to making whatever memories lie ahead, but tonight, I will kiss my sweet boys goodnight, remind them of how loved and cherished they are, and rest peacefully.
Not today, Lucy, not today.
XO, Kelleen
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