When you start your family, and begin your journey into motherhood, you also find yourself involuntarily entering a competition like game, that you had no idea about...
I have always felt successful in life at protecting myself in enjoying daily life goals, succeeding, and working with others without having to outrun someone else. I have never felt the need to compare my skills. But then you become a mother, and you find yourself in the middle of an uncontrollable spiral where you encounter competition on an almost daily basis and some days, it can have you feeling like you are failing. I remember getting anxious and feeling less than capable, that spiraled into a toxic comparison that I can only imagine impacts so many other moms- both young and old.
It isn't just about your "performance" as a mother, but how is your son moving along in the world? Is your son hitting all those milestones, and are they being completed "early" or is he falling behind? The truth is, we all learn at our own pace and mothers can do it all- indeed- just not all at once.
As a mother, you are hit with so many questions, and they are asked regularly! These everyday questions can be harmful. Motherhood is full of changes and can sometimes be quite lonely. We are also all aware of the changes and differences that we go through, personally, emotionally, socially... but what a mother chooses to discuss is really, ultimately, up to her.
“How did you gain that much weight?!” “You didn’t lose your baby weight yet?!” “Your baby only weighs THAT much?!” “Your baby weighs THAT much?!” “Your baby isn’t walking yet?!” “Your baby doesn’t say 20 words yet?!”
I think we start by switching up the dialogue!
If you only knew how many times, I have gotten these questions and others, you wouldn't believe me, or you'd probably shake your head and agree because you too have gone through the same Q&A. It looks like some moms are out trying to live better than other moms, to quiet their own fears- which consequently creates more fear in these other moms, who are just going on about their business, navigating their motherhood journey. However, there is a real lack of support for mothers and the dialogue can be quite harmful to some. Pregnancy, children, parenting skills, weight loss, kids’ milestones, etc…are so so personal. They are achievements in people’s daily lives that are so different from one another that they are not comparable. Sure, we all love to share our children's milestones and awards, but let's leave it to be allowing our friends and acquaintances to share on their own, without the preying questions. I say we switch the conversation and ask moms how THEY are doing, feeling and how their child is feeling. Allow the dialogue that follows to be organic. Not forced.
You really don't know it all... sorry.
There are so many "know it all" people who constantly judge you and your journey, but truly have no idea what you're going through, and this does not just apply to mothers and their motherhood journey. I feel like it is a sign of lack of confidence to speak about someone else's life thinking that you know about the subject at hand and exactly what they are going through. Let's be honest, no one truly knows what anyone else is going through, whether they video blog their day on TikTok, continually post on social media, or if they are very vocal verbally about their day-to-day life, unless you are living their life, you won’t ever know everything. Some people are better than others at putting themselves in your shoes... while others assume it wouldn't happen to then. But I have good news, it does! Always.
You do you, girlfriend!
What is most important is knowing that you do what is best, for yourself and your kids. Trust your gut instincts, always! And don't ever let anyone make you feel like something is wrong with you or your child. Do not ever feel ashamed about anything you are dealing with or going through. Be kind and understanding to all. Helpful and loyal. Calm and present. Listen and be honest and open. You got this mama!
Call me, beep me.
The greatest advice I have been offered is that we live in a world with access to classes, specialists, tutors and more to enrich our children's education, medical needs, and more. As new parents to be, there is also access to classes, books, blogs and more for every step of the day. There are recourses for each and every milestone, even if you live in a smaller city. There is nothing better than enriching yourself with knowledge. Parenting can ask for a lot of it, it being knowledge. It is important to do your own research, read a lot of books and keep what serves you and leave behind what doesn't. Gaining educational knowledge and having loving conversations, can turn into valuable resources for all.
There is no race or actual competition that is part of our reality when it comes to your children and parenting- if you love competition so much, go be an athlete, and leave the judging to Jesus. Lately, I have been really focused on whether my actions and conversations are bringing positivity and joy to the person on the other end. As mothers, we should all speak with compassion and love. Being a good person and a good parent is what matters. Being present and at service.
This post is to encourage mothers and others to trust their paths. If anyone makes little things look like big problems that don’t belong to you, follow Elsa and LET IT GO. Let that shit go! I have days where I feel affected and then am brought back to reality. Who the heck cares?! My kids are happy and healthy. They are thriving and living a life that I pray resonates to a long and fruitful adulthood. Are they behind because Susie down the street says her 6-year-old can tie his shoes, read chapter books, and speak 4 languages, absolutely not. Trust the journey you're on and stay positive, always. We all have our own stories and different paces. It shouldn’t be hard to accept that, but apparently, it’s rocket science for some people.
Hang in there, friend! You are killing it and that’s all that matters!
XO, Kelleen
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