Narcissists have a grandiose sense of self, unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment and a marked lack of empathy for others.
People with narcissistic characteristics have a difficulty with successful interpersonal relationships across all areas of their life, including personal friendships, their place of work, their community, and most impact-fully, their families. Their relationships with others can oftentimes be emotionally charged and abusive.
The narcissistic abuse cycle is the abusive behavior that characterizes the relationships, people with narcissistic characteristics, have with others. The cycle involves first idealizing a person, then devaluing them and repeating the cycle and eventually discarding them when they are of no further use.
It is common for people to carry narcissistic traits, but the severity of its characteristics runs on a spectrum. The narcissistic abuse cycle is a pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist works to confuse their partner and/or family members through manipulation and oftentimes calculated behaviors, aimed at making the associated person, question themselves. The cycle can be broken down into three phases. Idealization, devaluation, and rejection. Each works hand in hand with the other in order to keep said person entangled in their toxic web.
This cycle is dangerous for a multitude of reasons and can make the said victim question their reality and as a result causing them to stay in the abusive, narcissistic relationship, because their self-worth and mind are so beaten down. (If you or someone you know is dealing with these high highs and low lows, please reach out to a professional for help. Please know that you are not alone and there are so many people dealing with the same abusive crap that you are enduring. I am in no way a medical provider but do feel empowered to share all that I have endured and been through, dealing with a narcissist to the umpteenth degree).
You may be thinking, how do you know you have dealt with a narcissist... If any of the following correlates to someone in your life or someone that has been in your life, then you too, have fallen victim to a narcissist and I am so sorry.
There is no respect on their behalf to you or towards you. Narcissists are always right. ALWAYS. And they cannot and will not, value another’s perspective or opinion. Trying to put boundaries in place is almost always impossible with narcissists as they do not believe anyone else has the right to have input in their lives. A narcissistic family member may disrespect you by purposefully being late for family get-togethers or making it known they are not going, or causing conflict prior to big moments to take away from the moment. I have experienced all of these moments, and although we are still entangled in this toxic web, I can confidently say that if you find yourself in the position where said person is trying to create chaos to an important event, disengage and continue as you normally would. Showing them that their nonsense will not be tolerated and will not stop said plans will be just one "haha" from you to them. They WANT to upset you and they WANT said event to not take place. Do NOT allow for them to ruin any of your special moments.
Aggression. One of the many tactics a narcissist has in their arsenal is their verbal aggression. They lack an inner "governor" for their behavior, and they very well may never experience regret over their hurtful words or actions, but that within itself is their karma. As far as name calling, I have been called every name in the book. I have been told that I am a "waste of space" "to quit using your sons prior condition as an excuse for your piss poor behavior as a human" "that fake attitude is nothing more than a persona of a sad little girl.... any hint of a future you have left outside of breeding and being a waste of air." Oh, I could go on forever, the point is, the words that are being spewed at you are a direct representation of how they feel inside. They are saying things that they feel insecure about and that they think will impact you the most. If you wouldn't take parenting advice from said person, then certainly don't take any of the hatred and toxicity they spew to heart either. Again, if you wouldn't take parenting advice from said person, then certainly don't take any of the hatred and toxicity they spew to heart either. Manipulation tactics, another line up from their arsenal. They may refuse to live up to any of the promises they've made, such as showing up to family events unless treated in a particular way, seeking help for their condition or help for your family, to keep you away from your loved ones and one of my favorites, being expected to drop what you are doing because you owe them. Let me be very clear. You. Owe. Them. Nothing. At some point, you have got to put yourself and your family first. When you drop everything for them, you will not be treated any differently. You will not be on the gold star list, sure maybe you won't get those late-night toxic text blasts, but the behavior will continue tomorrow.
One of the most frequently used maneuvers is Gaslighting. Gaslighting can look like denying promises that you know were made, twisting your words, or accusing you of having said things you haven't... the goal of gaslighting is to confuse the victim. The victim being whoever the narcissist is targeting at said time. KEEP RECEIPTS. Do everything via text and if text isn't possible, send texts following phone conversations recounting the conversation that just took place. You are not crazy. You are not confused. You are being gaslit.
They are ALWAYS right. Narcissists cannot and will not back down from any argument. They will never admit any wrongdoing, regardless of the situation. They are the end all, be all, and will put down anyone who questions their supremacy. Period.
Selfishness, another fan favorite. Narcissists cannot share tangible or even intangible things, if something wards them the spotlight, they will do whatever it takes to claim said ownership. From acting out during an event to ensure focus is fully on them or doing things prior to ensure the spotlight is on them, they will do it. One instance was regards to my wedding, the conversation, shit you not, went "why would I want to go to Kelleen's wedding, it is about her, and not me." LMAO!!! Stop it!
"All I do is win, win, win, no matter what." No matter the game, or lack thereof, the narcissist will not lose and will not lose gracefully have hell frozen over. They must always be right and recognizes as the said winner in any argument or friendly competition. Narcissist will play the victim card if they can't come out on top, fair and square. It's okay though babe, not everyone was taught that you can't win everything, but let me teach you like I have my toddler children.
Narcissistic abuse follows a specific and calculated, cycle of idealization, devaluation, and rejection. Narcissists tend to deflect all their feelings onto others because of the pain they feel associated to said feelings. They too may have had narcissist caregivers or parents, or experienced some kind of abuse or traumatic event which shaped their upbringing. However, this is NOT an excuse for the emotional and sometimes physical, abuse inflicted on their victims.
Narcissists behave in a certain way because they are unlikely to consider their actions as problems. Until they are able to reflect on their own behaviors and feel their feelings, the narcissist will not change, and their victims will feel worthless if they’re stuck in the cycle.In the idealization phase, couples are new in the relationship, and everything feels wonderful. This is the highest high and the high that they wish to revisit to continue entrapment. The excitement of the newness of the relationship is alive and feelings of joy are overflowing. This is referred to as a honeymoon stage. In narcissistic abuse cycles, the honeymoon stage is referred to as idealization. The narcissist will put their partner on a pedestal and view them as someone who is perfect and can do no wrong. This can feel nice at first, however, it escalates quickly and becomes overpowering and overwhelming.
After the honeymoon stage wears off, couples tend to form a routine that they can count on and which they establish together. Most couples during this phase grow deeper in their intimacy and learn problem-solving skills as they continue to develop the relationship. In narcissistic abuse cycles, this next stage is when the narcissist devalues their partner. Their partner suddenly falls off the pedestal and therefore is viewed as worthless. The narcissist begins to put their partner down, often using verbal or physical abuse, and they may use physical intimacy as a weapon. When confronted, the narcissist plays the role of the victim and continues to devalue their partner
In a healthy relationship, disagreements and conflict are navigated with grace and patience, and both partners are capable of solving issues and moving forward together. In the rejection phase, the narcissist rejects their partner and places all the blame and downfall of the relationship on their partner. The narcissist will discard their partner at this point and are no longer getting their fill of ego-boosting attention and affirmations from their partner. They are not interested in love and security. The narcissist in this scenario will complete their cycle of abuse and find another partner to begin this abuse cycle with.
The impact of this abusive cycle is traumatizing. The continuation of emotional and/or physical abuse tact with demoralization and being used as the scapegoat for their own dysfunctional feelings correlate to nothing positive. Whether the continued abuse turns into a trauma bond or not, the further the abuse and cycle continues, the more damaging. From love bombing to devaluation, the survivor should always seek help. (If you or someone you know is a survivor and experiencing emotional, psychological, and/or physical injuries, please seek professional help. There is help. You are valued. You are loved. You are not the problem, and I am so sorry you were ever portrayed to be).
Breaking the cycle of narcissistic abuse can be and will be hard. It is important that once you have broken free, or have chosen to no longer allow that treatment, that you set firm boundaries and. understand that the narcissist will continue to try and push said limits. Setting boundaries may seem unfair to those who have a sense of self and empathize with others, but the behavior you have endured will continue as much as you give, without giving anything in return. If you or someone has endured any type of relationship like the above, I would first like to offer a sincere apology. I hate to say it, but damn there are a lot of us. So many of us have had to endure such traumatic events within their lifetime and I am hopeful that good always prevails. As we are in the midst of another "battle" I can’t help but find solace in knowing that there is always sunshine at the end of a rainstorm, and that as long as I continue to put myself, my children and my loved ones first, it will all work out.
Hang in there, friend.
XO, Kelleen
*To read further about my experience, I encourage you to read Hasty Misadventure of Something, a blog post I had written a year ago, depicting my experience at that time.*
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