Losing a loved one, is inevitable. I experienced loss for the first time, when I was nearly 4, my Nannie had passed away, since then, I've lost grandparents, great-aunts/uncles, friends, my sister-in-law....
I wish I could say that losing loved ones gets "easier" but to be honest, it tears a hole through me whenever someone I love passes onto the rainbow bridge, no matter the circumstance. But that's not to say that I desire for passing of a loved one to "not matter" or to be something that "just happens."
The scars on my heart are a testament to the love and relationship that was shared with that person. The scar can run so deep, but that represents the love shared. Scars are a testament that I can love deep and live deeply and be cut or even gouged, but that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love.
Grief is not one-and-done. It's not like after the funeral or after the first year or after "time heals all" that you're miraculously "over" grief. That the pain and heartache are no more. Grief is not an event, it's an experience. Grief comes in waves. It's not just a tsunami that eventually dissipates and you pray doesn't return- no, grief is like you're driving one day and all of a sudden you are hit with a massive wave of sorrow. Loss, pain, longing... leaving you blindsided and once again, grief has showed up, unannounced!
I don't think we are capable of processing grief all at once, especially when it is sudden or unexpected- but we process what we can, when we first get the news and then, we process the rest- later. That's the unannounced wave, the "leftovers" of our grief- that can sometimes be a lot. Like a lot, a lot.
Wouldn't it be nice if you could just write the date down on the calendar, mark the date so you know when to expect that wave... it could be a week, two months, a year, two decades... time is trivial to grief, and unfortunately this wave, this wave will return, through the course of your life, that wave will show up, unannounced.
The unannounced wave is intense, it's overwhelming and you feel suffocated by the feeling that it is so close again. You vividly remember the words spoken, the memories, the smells. What sucks is that unless it's a holiday or another special occasion, you don't expect it.
Working through grieve varies for everyone, for me, I go through a similar process, each time I am hit with the wave. First, I pause. I recognize the emotions coming up as grief and I forgive myself. I remind myself that grief is ongoing. It is important that you do not blame yourself for experiencing the aftershock, you are not broken, you are healing. Grief is an experience, not an event. You have to forgive yourself for not being able to control the timing of your grief, the how, why, where, and when- it's okay. I like to give words to the specific feelings, I feel writing out my grief, is an incredibly powerful tool for healing. Also, reaching out to friends, watching a movie, going for a walk- this isn't to say that you distract your feelings, you must first cope, but it is okay to cope with brings you joy. And of course, just like your shampoo, you rinse and repeat. Again, and again. Whenever I am face with my second wave or grief, whether a holiday or anniversary is on the calendar, I find my processing of grief is centered around coping and remembering them for the positive memories, the special stories, and the hope that one day, we will be reunited.
No matter what you do to deal with the aftershock of grief, it’s still hard and it’s still scary. It gets easier… not with time, but with practice.
When you really think about it, it would be ridiculous for us not to continue to grieve for our loved ones, relationships, pets, jobs, homes, and dreams. They’re such vital parts of who we are and how we shape ourselves in this world. When they go, there’s a hole left. And because all relationships are 100% unique, there’s nothing that can ever take the place of them. That’s worth grieving!
Aftershocks remind us that grief stays with us for the long haul. They remind us that is up to us to lean into our feelings and continue the work of exploring our relationships to ourselves and others. Feeling a loss again (and again and again and again) is just another reminder that we still grieve through our growth. And through our grief, we are growing. ♥
XOXO: Kelleen
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