Stepping away from romantic relationships, something that has been on my heart recently, has been friendships and this age gap shaming that comes along with it.
I first started working at 16 and moved out rapidly at 18.
Being that I had chosen to become an adult and live on my own, alongside my now husband, the need for a grown-up, big girl, job was imminent.
During my late teens, early 20s and continually, I have had and continue to have, plenty of friends who have been older than me; many of which being in their 30s and 40s, while I navigated my early 20s. As someone who has always felt older than my years, I enjoyed my older friends knowledge, broader cultural references, and maturity. I found a lot of commonalities between myself and the more, life advanced, women.
Although we find ourselves in a youth-driven society, there are and continues to be, shaming of age gap friendships. And I have found this to be true and it is really unfortunate. At 17, I started my second job. I was a kids club attendant, at a local country club.
When I started that second job, I found that I was the youngest employee in my department. I worked with primarily, girls, who had graduated high school and were in college, while I was finishing my junior and senior year of high school. It was the start of a lot of my long-lasting friendships, with friends that were 3-5 years older than me. When I turned 19, I started my first real big girl job. I was a registration representative at an imaging office, within a hospital. I loved that job, and more than that, I loved the women I worked with! I was the only employee, in pretty much the whole company, under the age of 21. My work bestie was in her 40's with a daughter my age, Stephanie. She was seriously the best and I learned so much from her!! As I continued to grow and moved to my longest lasting employment, I found the continuing trend of being the youngest in the office, full of mature women and men, who shared endless life advice and more laughs than actual work, I'm sure!
When looking back, having friends older than me has been a pretty constant thing in my life. I have always loved having friends who motivated me to do more, to achieve more, and who encouraged my own growth. For so long, the friendships I had, and those I spent the most time with, were those I worked alongside of, women who I looked up to and loved, in their 30's, 40's, and 50's. I never thought much of these age gaps.
In fact, both my husband and I have always spent the most time with our friends that were in the same season of life as we were. I mean, we got together when we were 18, newly graduated high school students, and have been together ever since. Our relationship is a rarity and there were very few friends our age, who were in the same season of life as we were. We found comfort in our friends in their late 20's and 30's, who too, were in committed relationships, married and ready for children.
The thought of age gaps within our friendships never fazed us and I never felt out of place or uncomfortable around my friends, who experienced more of life than I had. To be honest, I never even thought about it, until we moved to Florida, and I was tasked with making new, mommy friends. It is no secret that I was pregnant and thriving at 21. I have always been considered a young mom, a younger mom than most. And the reality of it, really hit me the first time I walked into Finley's school, for his VPK graduation. What brought this age gap to life, was not the esthetic look of the other parents, or the commonalities we shared, rather it was the way I was talked to and looked at. I remember sharing on Facebook, when I had brought Finley to his elementary school for his Kindergarten testing, a teacher had come out and made a comment about how they asked the students' parents to be present prior to the testing, alluding to the fact that I was a babysitter or caregiver rather than a parent to both Finley and Hudson. I laughed and said, "oh I am Finley's mom"- awkward. Or just this past December when I volunteered in Finley's classroom to decorate cookies with my babe and his classmates, another mom had come up to me and was chatting, and the condescending "sweetie" and "honey's" about killed me. I don't necessarily believe that the condescending tones and comments are purposeful, I think we can all take a bit of an authoritative tone when speaking with someone younger, especially when in an uncomfortable or uncommon situation.
But for me, the age gap nonsense continues into the mom friends I have tried to make in social settings. As soon as I verbalize my age or my age is brought into question, the looks start and I rarely hear from them again. Even friends or friends, within my current friend group, will admit that they feel uncomfortable at times, with my age. But why? I guess it is really their loss, but it does beg to question, does age really matter when the commonalities lie in front of you on a platter?? Oh you are married? Cool, me too! Oh you have two kids? Rad, same! Oh you like to drink wine and travel. No way, so do I. Oh you are nearing 40 and I mean nearing 30. Red flag. Like, what??
Age gap friendships bring benefits to both parties and I think it is important that we normalize what we can bring into the lives of our friends, and how friendship can be brought regardless of age. While gap friendships may require a little more effort and understandings, at least in the forefront, it's clear the rewards are many, in my perspective.
While it is common to believe that those younger than us are both entitled and self-interested, and older people are "boring", the stereotypes and false assumptions are nothing but words spoken and surface level inferences. Instead, you can widen your perspectives around different age groups, and see the truth behind the stereotypes.
The 'been there done that' insights with having more life experiences friends, provide plenty of useful knowledge and experience that we can tap into. But think of all we can learn from those who have experienced life differently from us. Similarly to friends who grew up in the South and friends who grew up in the snow-covered mountains, having diverse friends can bring a wide variety of wisdom and insights.
Friendships easily develop over shared experiences, such as being at school, work or through friends-of-friends. However, it can be really fun to try new things and learn of new things, from those who engage and pursue different hobbies and activities.
Furthermore, age and growing older, helps us to shape our opinions and believes, and friendships allow us to see something from an entirely different point of view, one perhaps you would have not considered previously. Being exposed to the ideologies of others offer us food for thought and a chance to expand our mind in a new way.
Friendships are best when they are naturally made rather than forced, but before you are quick to jump to stereotypes or count someone out because of their age, rather older or younger, I hope you take the time to open up a conversation and see what commonalities are shared. That you open your heart and mind to trying new things, and open the pool for potential friends!
And hey, if you're reading this... hi! I am Kelleen, and I would love to be your friend!
XO, Kelleen
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