Why is it that we are expected to allow toxic behavior just because they “have always been like that.” They are destined to act that way, so you should just “grow to expect it.”
Why are they not held to the same standard as everyone else, every time, instead of having to create your own excuse, that “oh they are just like that.”
Why is their behavior inexcusable because it is expected? Especially if someone else portrayed the same behavior, they certainly would be held to a different standard.
This is all rhetorical, of course. I don’t have answers and in fact, I don’t have the slightest idea as to why this behavior is tolerated by anyone, let alone myself.
I started this blog as an outlet and as decades, years, months, days go by, there is this repetitive behavior that we are faced with time and time again. I have started this post and closed it 1 million times over, there are just no words to articulate the frustration, confusion, and disgust that comes along with “this.”
It affects more than just me, as a person. It impacts my kids, my husband, my family, extended loves ones, colleagues….
There’s a lot that I want to say, and I know that those words are coming from a place of hurt and not a place of clarity. When each occurrence takes place, and the behavior is brought to light, the immediate response that is triggered, is always anger, and then comes the burst of sadness, and not just sadness for myself, but sadness for my children and for others that are so personally affected by it. It is easy for me to say that I am used to it and that I have grown to expect it, but why is it that we are supposed to just let it be. Why is it that we’re supposed to just learn to get used to it and learn to accept the behavior and laugh and say “it’s just them, being them…”
For me, it’s all about my kids. I do not want them to feel the pain, hurt, and confusion that is associated with this behavior. I also don’t want them growing up thinking that this behavior is tolerated, by anyone. If it were a friend or a colleague, it would be easy to just cut them off, to not allow them to be associated with you or your family anymore, but why is it that when it’s family or close, family friends or someone who in theory is a big part of your life and in the lives of your children, so much more difficult?
Why is it that I can’t just cut the cord and save myself and my children?It’s easy to focus on the negatives, especially in times of frustration but it would be wrong to not remember the positive aspects of the relationship. But again, I ask, why does there have to be deceit and negativity, hurt and frustration, that coincides with any and all, positive and happy experiences?
More importantly, I question, how have they gone so long living this way, and why has no one stood up to them? I’ll be the first to admit that I have “let things go” more times than I probably should. But within the same scenario, I know, and they are aware, that I will be the first one to stand up for my children and the first one to call the behavior out. What does “standing up for myself and my children” solve, honestly, nothing- but I do feel like they receive a glimpse into my children’s thoughts and feelings, and that for a split-second, that my kids are being taken into consideration- probably not much more than that brief moment when they read what I say or hear what I have to say, but it is better than nothing. It makes me wonder what is it going to take until it stops completely.
And the empath- part of me wants to dig deeper and say, but why do they act this way? Why do they think this behavior is okay and why is it so easy for them to display this behavior.
Well, it is clear that I haven’t cracked the code... but over the last year or so, I have worked quite hard at implementing boundaries. Setting boundaries which is more for myself than anyone, but not reaching out nearly as often, and not allowing the opportunity for the occurrences to arise, and not allowing their negative behavior to affect our home, all of which has brought a lot of clarity.
Opening the conversation up with my children, Hudson is still so young, so there is only so much he understands, but there has been a lot of dialogue between Finley and myself about why the behavior that is being shown is wrong and I have been doing my best to ensure that he knows that it is not a direct representation of him or how they feel about him. That it is just a part of their character, and that they treat everyone that way, not just him, but everyone they encounter. And there’s additional dialogue about the feelings that it brings when he is disrupted like that and being thrown the “ball” and them hiding it behind their back, letting him get his hopes up, just to not have thrown the ball at all, and never having the intention to do so.
Additionally, I have really tried hard to not allow him the opportunity to get excited for some of the things that are discussed, to prevent him from broken promises. Sometimes, that is out of my control, but we have learned to have a conversation right after the fact, so that he understands that what is being promised doesn’t always work out, and we need to try and not allow that to bother us. To not expect it, too, almost to say “yeah, okay, they said this and that, but I am not to get excited until we know it’s happening for sure.” This has been hard and continues to be hard because we can only control one side of every conversation and us having to go behind them and pick up the pieces, but I am hopeful that one day we won’t have to do that- for whatever reason.
I wish such boundaries and circumstances didn’t arise, it doesn’t feel fair to have to do all this, that we even have to go through all these different motions and procedures to protect ourselves and our children, but I will always be open and honest with my children about it and they will always hear it from me first. Always.
I don’t know if what I’m doing is protecting them, or if it’s just delaying the hurt, and I won’t know until my children old enough to tell me for themselves, but I certainly like to hope that I am helping, that I am carving a way of healing and preventing further issues and negative feelings.
If there is someone in your life that demonstrates similar behavior, I want to say I am sorry. You are doing amazing and the fact you are trying so hard to protect your children, is everything! Never stop!
Hang in there.
XO, Kelleen
Comments