It is no secret that everyone parents differently.
I think it is pretty fair to say that no two family’s parent identically, but I do believe that most, if not all, parents have the same end goal- to raise kind children, who bring light to every life they touch.
Everyone has their own patently style, and as clique as it sounds, it couldn't be more true. We all, as parents, use the background that we have from how we were raised by our parents and our grandparents and other adult and parent like figures and mold those into how we think children should be raised, the good and the bad and the indifferent. Then you add in your spouse and all the factors that play into their ideas as to how your children should be raised and between the two of you, you figure out what is agreed upon and what isn't and then seek out third party sources such as books or documentaries, counselors and even word of mouth, all that goes into play when you are parenting your children. And none of this is to say once you "decide" what works for you and your family, that you cannot change it, because I'll be the first to admit that my "parenting" style varies just as often as the rain here in Florida, and I find that to be really fulfilling to my kids and our family dynamic.
One of the more controversial parenting choices that my husband and I have made with our children, is being open and honest with them, regardless of the situation. Obviously, this all has to do with their age and level of maturity, but instead of tiptoeing around certain conversations or circumstances we do our best to tackle each instance head-on and with much "real-ness" as possible.
As parents, it is important to us that we foster a healthy bond with our children. That they have strong roots to which they can grow and thrive, and withstand the storms that life throws at them. While our children are still young, it is essential that we ensure that they are growing into healthy adults, whether that be nurturing the bond with the conversations we share day to day- whether it be about homework or a more difficult topic.
We believe that by us being open and honest with our children, will encourage them to be open with us in return. I want our boys to know that they can talk freely about their thoughts and feelings with us, that they're safe, with us and hopefully, don’t feel like they need to hide something- whether big or small. When they share with us, we also work to ensure that we are listening, wholeheartedly and without judgement. If we speak openly and honestly and wish for our children to emulate that, listening to them attentively further encourages them to do so, too. It is important that we reassure them that we are taking their thoughts and feelings seriously, to foster an environment with healthy communication between all.
Since our children were born, we've maintained an open and honest relationship with each of them and we believe that because of that, we are able to discuss more complex topics. There are many things that are hard for our children to understand and while we are conscientious about what they are exposed to, we do believe that some topics should be exposed to them within the four walls of our home and will help aid their emotional and intellectual development. Our goal is that these conversations will help them to better learn more about the world around them and hopefully encourages them to utilize the healthy environment for our children to ask those difficult, hard, questions and topics. Our children are oh so curious, little, tiny sponges of endless information, and it is important that we talk with our children frequently about day-to-day lives so that they are able to better understand the more difficult topics.
This has come into play with us and our children on occasion, but even more so just recently.
My children were subjected to inappropriate behavior by a friend which later had escalated, not to my children, but to where my children were impacted by these actions and ultimately resulted in a termination of a friendship for our boys. Instead of telling our children that they just weren't allowed to be friends with them anymore, we tackled the conversation head on with Finley and told him all the appropriate information needed as to why we were having said conversation, what was happening, and how we were to move forward. It was important to us that Finley had an understanding and knew the full story as to why what happened resulted in the demise of the friendship, and so that he would be able to appropriately address all the feelings that occurred following.
Said conversation was not the most comfortable to have and there was definitely, a sense of nervousness between my husband and I before we approached Finley. But as parents, it is our job to keep our children safe and the safety of my children was at risk and that needed to be addressed first and foremost. I also think that somethings have to be said for what they are and when the said incident took place and was brought to our attention, it was imperative that our children knew that they could tell us any and everything. That they knew what was appropriate and what isn't and most importantly how to keep themselves safe from others, even friends.
With our open and honest communication, we are hoping to build a foundation of trust between our children and us. Trust is vital in all relationships, but with children, it can be all or nothing. Lying to a child can decrease the credibility you have as an authoritative figure in their life, whereas being consistently open and honest gives your children no reason to doubt you. It gives them a sense of security that further encourages them to talk openly to you. To develop a more communicative relationship with children, dedicate time to just talk with no distractions. When sensitive subjects are brought up, it is imperative that we set aside our own emotions and be receptive of theirs. To show them that we are listening and understanding and never to judge or shame them. Being open and honest isn't always easy, especially when you're talking to children, but doing so is good as it helps with their communication skills. It is also beneficial in the long run because it lays the foundation for them to grow into healthy adults.
This has come into play time and time again with us and our children. Instead of going the easy route of just going along with some bullshit story being told to our children, we share with them the ins and outs, of all that is being said. If plans are being made, we are sure to go down every avenue so that if plans are changed, they are not blindsided or upset. If promises are being made, we are sure to talk them through said promise and again, ensure that their feelings are protected if said promise is broken. We are big believers in speaking openly and honestly to both our children, about all the factors. This has become a huge hurdle in our parenting career, and something that we have worked very hard through over the last couple years. When someone makes a promise to them, or a commitment, and the situation doesn't play out how they were originally told or promised, we like that they know they are going to be given a truthful answer as to why and that this broken promise or commitment isn't just blown off or blamed on something random.
We all know our children, best, and there are endless situations that have arose that I never expected to experience, let alone at this early of a stage, but as we have gotten to know our children, we have learned how to best handle both negative and positive situations.
I have learned that for Finley, we are not able to just brush things off and act as if he wasn't told something or that he misheard something. He is not the type of kid that we can just blow it off and out of sight, out of mind. Finley is very inquisitive. He asks questions and has a great intuition. He wants to know all the things and when he is told something, he holds onto it- which encouraged us to continue to be open and honest with him, starting at a young age.
If you take anything from this blog post, I hope that it is that lying to your children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, etc, can replicate a response of decreased credibility as an authoritative figure in their life. While in contrast, if you find yourself being consistently open and honest, gives your child a sense of security in knowing that there is no reason to doubt you.
Hang in there mama, parenting can be so hard and I know I can't be the only one surviving day by day, but as long as you are showing behavior you pray they emulate, I'd say you are right on track!!
XO, Kelleen
Comments