So clique... "you are who you surround yourself with" or "birds of a feather flock together", but are they really?
I have always had different kinds of friends and a lot of times; my friends were opposites of me. I have had super meaningful relationships that turned out to be "fake," and I have had "fake" friends who were genuinely good friends. I have learned how to be a better friend and have also learned how to "attract" the type of friends that match my values and boundaries.
There have been times in life, where my friends list seemed to be dissipating... but I have learned that as you evolve, everyone around you has a reaction- whether good or bad, the more you evolve, the lonelier things may get. Many of us grew up basing our worth on how often we were given external validation, and it can be really hard to redirect those feelings when you are surrounded by toxic friendships, that use you as a doormat, over and over again.
The more I have let go of the desire for the Sex and the City, group of friends, the more I have been able to manifest healthy relationships that have enriched my life, that I truly don't know what I would do without them.
What I have observed about myself and the friendships I have, is that some of my closest friends, have experienced similar loss, rejection, deprivation, etc. and have learned from, grown from, and are successful because of. These friends don't lead with these narratives, as they could, instead they are able to empathize with others as a result and share when appropriate. My friends and I all stay in our own lane, we respect and support one another even if they are in the slow lane and we are flying down the fast lane. There is no cost in my friendships. You won’t catch us counting cards or get obnoxiously offended. These friendships are effortless, and it is not at the cost of one of us losing our peace, sanity, dignity or self-esteem. We are not in the midst of a game of tug-of-war. although our beliefs and opinions may vary, we share similar core values. There is no judgement. We understand and help each other regardless of the situation and we are all busy. Busy with kids, our own lives, and other factors that consume a lot of our time, but that has never taken any from our friendship. If anything, it gives us more to chat about!
As I have seen the positivity that immerses from these friendships, I have learned to only respond and give energy to people who are kind. To only respond to the people who don't make me question my worth. I used to feel like I "needed" everyone to like me. Obviously, that is never going to happen, and it just set me up to self-sabotage. You have to prioritize your peace and realize what is worth your energy and what isn't.
I have learned to only respond to people who are respectful and kind in their honesty, not disrespectfully brutal. I love some Real Housewives, but that doesn't translate to my friendships. I have learned to stay away from the "friends" who create drama and lives for it- let's talk about life, but don't create drama for the additional- SPICE.
Watch how your friends respond to your accomplishments. If you worked hard and rewarded yourself, their response should always be "oh my goodness, I am so happy for you!" and if their response is "you do know how expense that is to fix..." or "what about when x,y,z happens?" then maybe you need to rethink that relationship, or take time to discuss the changes you'd like to see. No one wants to feel like they have to walk on eggshells when spending time together, as you do as friends. And you certainly don't need another Debbie downer in your life- you need a hype man!!
Don't surround yourself with "yes men" either though- when it comes to accomplishments, you want to be with some who celebrates with you!! You want someone who encourages you and helps you to be successful. Success does not come when people are kissing your ass and sugar-coating things for you. Negative feedback is good, but they should still be celebrating you and all your endeavors! Period.
I have not always been the best friend, I have not always been the friend that my friends needed me to be, and I have not always been successful in friendships that I wish I could redo, but with age comes growth and I am proud of the type of friend that I am today! I will be the very first to encourage you and wish you and your loved ones well. I want everyone to be friends and I will always be peacekeeper. But I also won't sugar coat things. If I am upset or feeling let down, I will tell you. I will be blunt, but with kindness, always!
So, let's be friends!
Let's encourage one another and always be there for them.
Let's take the judgement out of our friendships and love each other deeply!
XO, Kelleen
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